Sexy?!...

I've seen the above meme before, but never figured I would actually have a moment where it just fit perfectly and then I went to run an errand today.  General Disarray (my oldest son for those that aren't familiar with the blog names) had a piano lesson makeup this lovely Saturday morning and while he was there I figured I would knock out an errand that was high on my to-do list. 

On my way into the Base Exchange I was stopped by the picture kiosk that pops up every few months to take what little money military families have.  We used them roughly five and a half years ago when Professor Chaos was about a month or so old, we found it to be a complete waste of money for us personally.  So we turn them down whenever we see them, I would love to walk around with a no soliciting sign, but a firm no thank you seems to, usually, do the trick.

Today I had an hour to get in, out, and back to my son’s piano class so stopping to be hustled into buying pictures was not on my to-do list.  Yet, it happened.  I told the lady that we were moving soon and I’ll pass, but she wouldn't let up and started in on how great it would be for Valentine’s Day for my husband.  I could bring some “sexy outfits” and they will have people onsite to do my hair and make-up and make me look “sexy” and my husband would just love the "sexy" photos of me for Valentine’s Day.  I said “I’ll think about it”, grabbed Professor Chaos from the item he was attempting to destroy and headed off to complete the list of tasks I had before me, hell bent on not letting her insistence on doing something "sexy" for my husband cross my mind anymore. 

I did end up thinking about it though… a lot…just not in the way the lady hustling the photos probably had in mind.  Her emphasis on sexy made me think, who has time for that? More importantly though is who gets to dictate this thing known as sexy?  When did make-up, revealing outfits, and posing in a makeshift black tent built in the middle of a shopping area become sexy?  Is this what Justin Timberlake had in mind when he claimed to be “bringing sexy back” in 2006?  Furthermore, why is it that I have to be sexy for my husband, but no emphasis is put on him to be sexy for me?  She went on and on about how they would make me sexy and then almost as an afterthought, maybe due to the expression on my face, commented on how my husband could come along and bring a nice outfit for himself.  Not a sexy outfit, of course, just a plain ol’ nice respectable outfit.  I must be sexy and sizzle, he can just be comfortable (how convenient for him!). 

Annoyed by the nagging voice ringing in my ears I Googled sexy this evening and what did I see?  Plenty of pictures of women with large, perky, gravity defying breast, toned flawless midsections, “perfect” hair and make-up, and some high quality photoshopping; basically a manufactured image of what we are supposed to believe a “sexy” woman looks like.  To be honest, by those standards I’m not sexy (not even close) and I don’t personally want to sit and have someone spend the amount of time needed to get me close to what they consider sexy (I ani't got time for that...and won't make time for it either).  I’m OK with that, nearly 27 years in this skin and I'm happy with it just as it is. I have large saggy breast, stretchmarks, a large collection of 80's hair accessories, and I loathe make-up. That's who I am. I love who I am. No woman is just like me and we shouldn't try to be like each other, we should just be ourselves. I tried boudoir photos once (I bought an expensive bra to add lift, I hired someone who knows their way around photoshop, and had my face and hair all done up) and I found that I’m completely uncomfortable with them, and even more shocking my husband didn't care for them either.  They weren't “me” according to him and I have to agree.  Sure by society’s standards I guess you could say they were “sexy”, I was wearing very little, had on plenty of the "right kind" of make-up, and my hair was all fancy, but I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin.  

Does sexy mean we have to forego our own personal comfort in order to please someone else? I don't think that's what it should mean. Nor do I want my boys growing up to believe that only certain things are allowed to be "sexy" or attractive. Nor do I want them to think that just because they are male they have some ultimate say over what is and isn't attractive in the land of women, or that a woman's goal in life is to please them. 

Which gets to the point I’m trying to make, do we really want the next generation growing up believing that someone is only appealing if they are fitting into society’s current description of “sexy”, or that a female's worth is dictated by the men in her life?  I would hope the answer would be no.  But after today I really have to wonder if we are truly sending our youth the right messages about beauty and self-worth.  There are a million and one different ways that this lady could have attempted to sale me on having photos taken (I do have three adorable children for crying out loud!), but she went with the whole “we can doll you up and make you sexy for your man” angle (because obviously a mother of three in yoga pants and a srunchie needs to focus more of her attention on being “sexy” for her man), and that concerns me.  Ladies, especially the young ones, please don’t let society dictate how you view yourself; find your own version of sexy. For me it’s an over-sized shirt, a good book, my hair messily pulled back, and a pair of glasses dangling from my mouth. In those moments I don't just feel physically attractive, but intellectually attractive too-a good book is very sexy to me-. 

Find and embrace your own sexy, your own beauty, and your own you. 

And to those who seek to sale us things please realize that we don't have time to hear how you would "fix" us or what you think we “should do” to please our mates.  Instead of trying to play on our insecurities give use a high five and tell us to keep being fabulous. It's far more enjoyable to hear. 

Copyright(c)2013 Rayven Holmes

The Deeper Side of Choice

When the word choice comes up in regards to women the conversation often starts and stops with abortion.  While it is an element of choice, I don’t think that should be the center of the conversation.  The right to choose is much more complex than the one piece of the puzzle that we allow to polarize us. 

What exactly is choice?  According to the American Heritage Dictionary it is: The power, right, or liberty to choose; option.  So when I say I’m pro-choice what exactly am I saying?  Simply this, I believe every woman has the power, the right, and the liberty to make choices about her life. 

These choices can range from which college she wants to attend, if that is the path she chooses, the career she pursues, if she even chooses to have one or not; as well as if she marries or not, or if and when she has children, how many children, and how she chooses to birth and feed them.  Then there is the after effects of having children, does she remain at home or continue the career she had, if she had one.  How will her children be educated, what religious institution will they frequent together, or if they will frequent one at all?  (Yes the latter ones will usually involve the input of a woman’s significant other/spouse/father of the child, but her opinion should still matter, she should still have some power in the choice being made-I know that sadly this isn’t always the case, but a woman should have a say, period-). 

From these choices springs a well of other choices and those choices lead to other choices, and so forth.  Just like with the so called “mommy wars” we can’t allow the choices women make to derail us from the greater issue, ensuring that our daughters, granddaughter, great-granddaughters, nieces, and so on still have the ability to make choices in their lives. 

Are there choices that women make that I wouldn’t make?  Of course.  Do I make choices that others wouldn’t make?  Most definitely.  Not every woman wants the number of children I have, nor do they want to be housewives, let alone homeschoolers, I do though.  That is the beauty of choice I can make mine and they can make theirs and we can all strive to live this one life we have to the fullest, and bask in freedom to be our own person.  

So, let’s strive to dig deeper than the few choices some women make and see the bigger picture, the picture that respects that each woman should have the power to make choices for herself and not have those choices made for her by others.  The abortion “debate” and “mommy wars” are all distractions ladies; they distract us from the work that still needs to be done to solidify our place in society.  They turn us against each other instead of uniting us, because if women are really to reach true equality, true power as players in this world, we have to band together despite the differences in our choices.  Abortion won’t be going away; mothers won’t always make the same choices, imagine how boring our world would be if we all raised our children the same exact way! 

You won’t always like my choices, I won’t always like your choices, but I’m pro-choice because I believe despite the differences you have every right to make those choices for yourself.  As I said before choice is deeper than the polarizing issues, it’s time to change the conversation to one that is actually productive for women over the long term and stop the henpecking, bitching, and belittling, because ladies it will just find us going back instead of forward and the next generation of girls deserves better than that.  We all deserve better than that.  

Copyright(c)2012 Rayven Holmes

You’re Just a Housewife

Those four little words have rung in my head for the past five years…”you’re just a housewife”.  It all started when The Spouse and I wanted to purchase a –new to us- vehicle.  We did a bit of research and found a make and model that we really liked, as well as a dealership within an hour’s drive that carried what we wanted.  So off we went to test drive and purchase this wonderful new vehicle that actually had some space!  After the test drive and a small chat between The Spouse and I, we sat down to do the paperwork.  Now, at this point in our marriage The Spouse had been the “breadwinner” or “earner of the bacon” for roughly two years.  I was still adjusting to society’s opinion of housewives, you all know the one, the “you don’t do anything all day” opinion.  As well as my own internal struggle over what I wanted to do with myself when I “grew up” versus what members of my family felt I “should” do. 

Mind you all these things were floating around in my head as The Spouse slides the paperwork over to me to fill out since he wanted both our names on the car title. 

As I reach for the pen the car salesman stops me and says “Do you have a part-time job or something?”  “Umm…no, I stay home with the children”.  And then he reached into his desk and pulled out the dreaded verbal dagger: “Oh…you’re just a housewife; we won’t need you to fill out anything.”  Just…a…housewife.  The Spouse persisted on getting me to sign, but the man assured him it would be “easier” to just have only his name on it, and mustering up what little voice I could find I told him to just not worry about it and to put only his name. 

Now, why did four little words from someone I didn’t even know sting so much?  I’ve asked myself that time and time again over the last five years, and the one thing I keep coming back to is the fact that being a housewife is a job, it is a choice, and it does have value.  Value a complete stranger, and honestly even some family, have tried to take away from it.  After years of trying to act like it doesn’t bother me when what I do gets belittled by strangers and family I’ve decided to say no more. 

Yes, I’m a housewife!  Yes, I made this choice.  NO, I don’t want a “traditional” career and I probably won’t even bother with finishing up my college degree!  I want to be the primary one taking care of my children and my husband, I want to oversee the ins and outs of my home, cook the meals, fret over meal plans, get tired, own some aprons, get excited over a new vacuum cleaner, do the laundry –ok that last one I could totally pass on-, build a shrine in my closet to Martha Stewart and then never dust it because I’m too busy scrubbing the toilets.  I want the world to see that sane rational women make this choice and that it’s not the end of the world- hate to burst the bubble of a few “ultra-feminist” I’ve encountered on websites and forums by my choice doesn’t have a damn thing to do with you and if you think it somehow will set women back then you have a lot to learn about life sweetie!- nor is it something that should be looked down on. 

Which leads me to the why of this blog, why did I create another homemaker blog –there isn’t exactly a shortage of them on the internet-?  Simply because those blogs don’t appeal to me, sure they are full of great information on general homemaking stuff, but the religion.  Geez, it’s suffocating.  Not every woman who makes the decision to stay home has done so because of some belief in a higher power that commands women to stay home.  Not every woman who is a housewife/homemaker thinks she is her husband’s helpmate or that he is the head of the family.  I love The Spouse to pieces, but when I got married I was looking for a partner to think with me, not for me.  Sure, I do things for him, lots of things, but not because they are commanded by some deity, I do them simply because I WANT to do them, because doing those things allows me to be the kind of wife I want to be.  Also because, godless people care about home and family too and I think the more the world sees that the better! 

So this is my little spot on the web where I will share my ideas, thoughts, opinions, and whatever else seems relevant to this homemaker life I lead sans religion.  Plus, blogs are totally awesome, need I say more?  

Copyright(c)2012 Rayven Holmes